you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
