I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
