yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
