Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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