Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize