The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
