the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Holy shit dude........stairs
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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