you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize