I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize