When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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