i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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