and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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