My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I touched a dick in church today
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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