do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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