im six kinds of drunk right now
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
