i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
