I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
All the doctor said was why
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
