dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
