Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
