I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
