mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
