I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
