you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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