It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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