Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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