I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
