I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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