pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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