You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
