should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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