"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
