Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
