i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
