At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
