He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
