I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
