i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
