Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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