Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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