Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
