To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
