WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
