Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
