My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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