Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
