I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He shit in the fireplace
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
