So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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