She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
