I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
