I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize