Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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