So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
