someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
