Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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