I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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