I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
