I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Randomize
