I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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