Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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