i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You pole danced in your parka.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
