Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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