Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
