I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
