Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I touched a dick in church today
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
