The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
