Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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